November 10, 2009

Movies at the Ballpark: Part One

Of all the sports, I think baseball has the best relationship with the movies. There are more good baseball movies than any other kind of sports movie. The baseball season just came to a close with the Yankees capturing another championship (just goes to show what hard work, determination and a $250 million payroll can get you) so in honor of their title, I'm going to name my All-Time Movie Baseball Team. There's only one rule: I've disqualified any players that are based on real players. That means I can't have John Goodman batting clean up for me, but I still get to laugh at the notion that John fucking Goodman once played a professional athlete in a movie! The second rule is I'm allowed to cheat, which is why a few of my players are from TV, not film. Today, we'll look at my pitching staff.


1) Steve Nebraska The Scout Nebraska became the only player to make their Major League debut in the World Series. But the legend doesn't stop there, that's just where it begins. The kid, who throws gas at 109 miles per hour and has stuff that's so sick I recommend you get your H1N1 shot to even watch him, threw a perfect game in his debut. And he achieves that perfect game by striking out all 27 batters on 81 consecutive pitches. If you need him to, he is also one of the best home run hitters in baseball. He's clearly the product of a screenwriter that literally knows nothing about the sport of baseball. (Played by Brendan Fraser)

2) Billy Chapel For Love of the Game Chapel, who spent his entire 19-year career with the Detroit Tigers is a first ballot Hall of Famer; a three-time Cy Young winner and is famous for having pitched a perfect game - at age 40 - in the final start of his illustrious career. He brings experience, veteran savvy and, most importantly, the possibility of David Giamarco hanging around the locker room. Not only a proven winner, he's also a dead ringer for our catcher Crash Davis. (Played by Kevin Costner)

3) Ebby Calvin "Nuke" Laloosh Bull Durham Laloosh is a young fireballer with some control issues and ten cent head to go with his million dollar arm. Laloosh consistently throws stuff in the high-90's and made a name for himself early in his career by setting a Carolina League record with 18 strikeouts in a game during his professional debut; but he also set a record with 18 walks in the same game. He's dumb as a stump but highly coachable. (Played by Tim Robbins)

4) Ryan Dunne Summer Catch Dunne made the Philadelphia Phillies despite a minor league incident that should have ended his career before it began. Dunne walked off the field in a Cape Cod league game with one out to go with a perfect game on the line. Normally this kind of cowardice would merit banishment to the Mexican leagues, but because he left to go try and fuck Jessica Biel, he's being rewarded with a spot in my rotation. (Played by Freddie Prinze Jr.)

5) Eddie Harris Major League Deep into his forties, Harris is the very definition of the wily veteran. He extended his career by being one of the craftiest pitchers in the game and relying on every trick in the book to win. He's not above putting snot on the ball if he thinks it will help; a notion that's hard not to respect. He's also ballsy enough to say "up your butt, Jobu." If he can laugh in the face of voodoo, he can certainly pitch for my team. (Played by Chelcie Ross)


Henry Rowengartner Rookie of the Year Rowengartner is a youngster gifted with freakish velocity after a fall on his arm, this kid can throw it nearly as hard as Steve Nebraska. This one-time Chicago Cubs phenom has started in his career but here he will be absolutely devastating coming out of the bullpen. The bonus is this kid is young enough to pitch for another thirty years. (Played by Thomas Ian Nicholas)

Kenny Powers Eastbound and Down Kenny Powers was once a feared closer with 101 m.p.h. stuff and the catch phrase "you're fucking out" which he would scream after each strikeout. Powers' velocity quickly faded and he was soon known more for his off color remarks, racist rants and diminishing skills as he bounced from team to team before being spit out of baseball. The troubled pitcher really doesn't have much left at all, but he once requested a trade from Atlanta during the teams annual Christmas charity event, and for that reason alone, he has a place here.(Played by Danny McBride)

Sam "Mayday" Malone Cheers Talented Red Sox reliever who's career was derailed by alcohol and a penchant for skirt-chasing. When he's sober, he's decent, and when he's loaded, he's awful. "Mayday" Malone serves as the set up man on the rare occasion that our starters don't throw complete games. (Played by Ted Danson)

Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughn Major League On a team stacked with pitchers with insane velocity, here's another smoke thrower who routinely tops 100 m.p.h. on the radar gun. Control is an issue, as are off-field issues, and he tends to shake off the catcher unless he calls fastball every pitch, but he's been known to deliver when it matters most and the guy has his own theme song. (Played by Charlie Sheen)

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